Caught You In The Kiss Cam

Drew Doughty and Jack Johnson: In looove



- Brian Burke refuses to fire Ron Wilson. We wonder what kind of blackmail Ron has on old Burkie.

- Dennis Wideman has been hospitalized after a hit from Tuomo Ruutu gave him a serious injury. Bad news bears.

- The Flyers will be without Chris Pronger until at least the play offs. Secret Weapon!

- The Flames got some good news in the form of the return of Daymond Langkow. But too little too late?

Sid Yeah, Skating Yeah...Almost Jersey Time

We're going through Jersey Shore withdraw so please forgive today's title.

Anyway, it has been announced today that Sidney Crosby has been cleared to practice with the team and will travel with them to Flo-rida.

But as Bob McKenzie says, It's all about the baby steps.

Another player close to returning is Zach Parise. He was going to play tonight but decided to push his return date back to Saturday. We're disappointed but cannot wait. We think he just wants to make his debut on HNIC so Don Cherry can tear him to shreds for coming back from knee surgery so late. Or something like that.


Injury report:

- Anze Kopitar has to have surgery on his ankle and will be out probably until next season no matter how far into the play offs the Kings make it. For shame.

- Doug Weight (if you forgot he played we forgive you) has been shut down for the rest of the season following recurring back problems.

- Manny Malholtra had successful eye surgery but there still is absolutely no time table for his return and he will need 6-8 weeks to heal. We're just glad that he's okay.


Idiots:

- TJ Oshie missed practice on Monday in what was called an 'unexcused abscence' so he was 'suspended' by the team for two games.

- Todd Bertuzzi hit Ryan Johnson with an elbow and was called for a 5-minute major and a game misconduct but the league saw fit not to give him any additional discipline. Right, because he ain't a repeat offender or anything...


Who would you put in the rookie race for the Calder? Netcrashing has their picks.


Grace sent this link from PuckDaddy and we couldn't find it any stranger than we already do. It has to do with Chris Pronger and Charlie Sheen...yeah, weird right?


And this was sent to us from Joann

at least it's a lively arena...

So Ugly He's Appealing #3

Hey ladies, it's another installment of everyone's favorite game...SO UGLY HE'S APPEALING!

Let's get on with it, shall we?

-&-



Name
Brian Campbell


Evidence






Why He's Ugly
uh, it's the hair, you how we feel about gingers


Why He's Appealing
he's funny as hell and despite what anyone says, he's a pretty good defenseman and is an integral part of the Blackhawks




this is all up to you now, GO VOTE!

Awards Monday: Week Twenty-Four

Hottie of the Week


Corey Perry


Uh, where did he come from these past few weeks? Bitch is leading in goals (as of this posting) and we are actually excited for him.

-&-

Best Commercial Of The Night

(props to Shanny for the video)

Dallas-area BMW


If you can watch this and not laugh at Kari Lehtonen's "I'll be back" then why are you here?

-&-

The Ryan Malone Wheaties Award


Buffalo Sabres


Uh, hey, uh where did you come from to be eighth in the Eastern Conference all of a sudden? And did you pick up Corey Perry on the way? Just wondering.

Sunday's All About The News

- Joe Sakic has decided to join the Avalanche in their front office and we say that it's about damn time, sir.

- The Hawks signed Marcus Kruger from Sweden and then had him play his first NHL game the other night. Wild ride, kid.

- The Sabres lost Jordan Leopold to a hand injury. That's bad.

- Shanny sent this video our way and we can't stop laughing at how awkward this is


- Then the LA Kings lost Anze Kopitar to a broken ankle. Noodles feels his and every Kings' fans pain.

- Tony Granato thinks this Penguins team has a destiny to follow. We like the optimism, buddy.

- And as everyone knows, Sidney Crosby is skating and looking good. If he fails us or decides that he likes being a tease, we will hunt him down and hurt him.

- This is from Jennifer and we think it's appropriate and timely: ESPN Chicago has an article titled Recovering from concussion can be tricky.

- The Canucks lost Dan Hamhuis to an injury. They're dropping like flies in Vancouver!

Silver Fox: Win A Date With An Oldster #18

Don't ask why we have the Avalanche on the brain this weekend but we do.

-&-

Name
Joe Sacco



Current Position
coach of the Colorado Avalanche


Former Position
was a Toronto Maple Leaf (we feel his pain)



Why He's Amazing
he helped our son grow into a man (sort of)



Why He's (Still) Sexy As Hell
he gets to coach an up-and-coming sexy team


What You Would Do On A Date
He is a traditionalist of course and picks you up at your house for a dinner date. He opens all the doors and pulls out the chair for you. Conversation flows easily and the date flies by. After dinner, the two of you go for gelato and walk around downtown Denver while there's this feeling that someone is watching you.

Double Date: Avalanche Edition

Door #1

Who: Paul Stastny


Date: He takes you to a Denver Nuggets game where he buys you as many beers as you want and the two of you have a great time despite the fact that you're at a basketball game


OR


Door #2

Who: Kyle Quincey


Date: The Denver Car Show is in town and he asks if you like cars before you go and takes you to see the classic cars that make the new cars look like crap


Who would you have fun with on these theme dates?

Topical Parody In Today's NHL

Not only does this video have a KeslerBomb in it but it also is a parody of the History Will Be Made commercials (albeit one of the ones from last season).

It's highly topical in today's NHL.




Other News

- Has anyone else forgotten that the Capitals have been playing their best hockey without Mike Green on the blueline? Maybe good ol' George McPhee shouldn't have signed Green to that contract so soon...

- And is anyone else surprised that the Penguins are not bombing their lives away without Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin? We are, still and we watch almost all of their games.

- Mark Recchi is not very nice to the Canadiens or Max Pacioretty. Don't know what either did to him personally to garner such speculation.
"I believe they were trying to get Zdeno suspended and they embellished (Pacioretty's concussion) a little bit,"

- Now it's official: Zach Parise is practicing with the Devils.

If This Was Facebook, We'd 'Like' it

Unless you've been living under the proverbial rock then you've seen these commercials already.

This is our favorite one

And it's not because of the Capitals continual failure (that sentence makes us nervous because we totally believe in karma)


Here is more news for everyone

- USA Hockey already named their 2012 WJC coach, it will be Dean Blais.

- They also named Scott Gordon as the head coach for the World Championships this summer.

- Manny Malholtra's fate is still up in the air. We all know that he will not be playing for the rest of the season and it is depressing for the Canucks.

- The Capitals are resting Alex Ovechkin for the remainder of the season to heal an undisclosed injury. Laaaaaame.

- Craig Anderson signed a four-year contract extension with the Ottawa Senators. Guess he likes it there?

- So, Patrick Sharp's injury isn't that bad and he will be back before the end of the regular season. This is a relief to the Blackhawks.

- Speaking of injuries, Justin Williams of the LA Kings will be out for the remainder of the season with a shoulder injury. Not good.

- In NCAA hockey, the teams are set and the tournament has started.

- Puck Daddy investigates what exactly the Flyers are drinking after, before and during games. No, it's not alcohol like we thought.

On Our Soapbox: Matt Cooke, Head Shots And Suspensions

Everyone knows by now about the Matt Cooke blatant elbow on Ryan McDonagh that caused the Penguins the game and his subsequent suspension for all of eternity.

What everyone doesn't know is the anger most Penguins fans feel at his action. It was uncalled for, unnecessary and out of nowhere. The Pens fans that we talked to were outraged at what he did and were ashamed that he was on our team.

Now, we know that we have never really taken a stance on Matt Cooke and his penchant for playing "dirty" (because we don't really like confrontation) but this latest elbow to the head angered us enough to blog about it.

We are not going the route of the majority of bloggers out there and completely villainize Matt Cooke and his entire career. We are giving our opinion on a good player who has his moments when we are ashamed of what he has done.

Our issue with the elbow Cooke laid on McDonagh is not the action itself (although it is awful), it lies more in the circumstances surrounding the action.

The game is tied 1-1. There is really nothing of note going on between the two teams, nothing really physical or menacing. Both teams are playing hard and then Matt Cooke comes in and does this.

On national television no less. The Penguins lose the game and the precious two points while also putting the entire team in the limelight for all the wrong reasons. Most hockey fans hate the Penguins to begin with because of Sidney Crosby so this just gave them more fuel.

There is no reason for the hit, which looked to be intentional. (There's never a real, rational reason for a headshot but you know what we mean.) Cooke comes in with an elbow and just hits McDonagh. It didn't look to be too hard of a hit but neither did the Victor Hedman hit on Sidney Crosby (which was more of a hit from behind than a headshot although the two terms can be linked together).

This headshot comes at a time when the owner of the Penguins and savior of the organization, Mario Lemieux, is becoming extremely vocal about figuring out ways to eliminate hits to the head like that one. He proposed a system that would fine NHL teams for suspensions and the monetary punishment would be based on the time of the suspension.

Makes sense, make everyone pay for a player's actions and it will diminish the times that a player would go for a suspension-worthy play and it will also heap responsibility onto the coaches, executives and the players themselves.

The first time that a player gets suspended with this system in place won't be such a big deal but when they're suspended again, then that's a different issue when the fines are doubled. We guarantee that the team as a whole will do something about this player.

We think it is highly appropriate then that one of his 'employees' gives the NHL an example, a poster boy of sorts for this kind of headshot that Lemieux is trying to eliminate. Matt Cooke's face is fast becoming the player that every fan of the NHL knows plays dirty.

Everyone knows that Don Cherry thinks that way.


Don Cherry was on a Boston radio station today talking about the Matt Coke hit (more on that later in our rant.) But here is a quote from the interview, "They should've given him 20 to 30 games back then and it might've straightened the little rat out" kind of got our brains going. So with this line of reasoning, 20 to 30 games for Cooke for the Savard hit would have prevented his hit from behind on Fedor Tyutin this year. And then the McDonagh elbow from Sunday. That's basically what Cherry is saying.

So if we follow that then when Trevor Gillies was suspended in February for nine games for his hit to the head of Eric Tangradi, he should have learned his lesson (slap on the wrist) and never hit someone again. But he didn't and he boarded Cal Clutterbuck two games after returning to the lineup. And for that he received a ten-gamer.


Repeat offender. They should develop a Megan's Law for these offenders. Like a list of their names so that the NHL disciplinary board will be sure to punish accordingly.

So, guess his next suspension will be in the 15-20 game range because he's a repeat offender. Maybe that will teach him a lesson. But we're betting not.

What about the hit from behind on Patrice Bergeron by Randy Jones in 2007?


Bergeron was out for the rest of the season with a Grade 3 concussion and returned for the 2008-2009 season. Randy Jones was suspended for two games. We don't think that a player should be out the whole time that the player they injured is (that's quite childish and hard to calculate) but no matter if they're a repeat offender or not, a "dirty hit" is a dirty hit and they should be punished as severely as a dirty hit should be. If Steve Downie was suspended for 20 games for a hit to the head then a vicious boarding hit should be punished in a harsher manner than just two games. (When it happened in 2007, we were betting on ten games and were surprised it wasn't more.)

In the Burnside article here, this quote stood out to us. "A pair of 20-game suspensions left no impression on the organization. Making Jones sit out a pair of games likely won't leave a dent in their psyche, either." It's sad but ultimately true.

And you can't forget about our favorite Flyer (if we were forced to choose because we kinda do really like him as a player, sometimes) Mike Richards and his blindside hit on David Booth last season.

That is an illegal hit. That should have been a suspension of a few games. It was a vicious hit. It was unnecessary and looked borderline headhunting. But he wasn't suspended even though it was definitely a suspension-worthy hit.

They said there was no "intent to injure" and that was why he was not suspended. One of our pet peeves is that term because who really knows if there's intent unless you have a wiretap into a player's brain. And that is science fiction stuff. No one knows if there's "intent to injure" and who cares? If it is an illegal hit, whether intentional or not, who cares? It should be punished like every other illegal hit. There should be fines, suspensions and whatever else they can think of. A player should know his surroundings and what he is doing at all times, he should know if he's coming in too fast with an elbow up. He should be aware of the fact that a player's last name is facing him when he goes in for the hit. If he isn't aware then punish him. It's that easy. Players will respond and they will be aware.

We have never claimed to be Flyers fans, as you know, but we know when our biases cloud our judgment. And the Richards hit on Booth was not clouded at all. If that was Matt Cooke, we would be calling for a suspension. And the fact of the matter is, he would have been suspended. You cannot say that we are lying about that. And ask yourself why, if it was the same exact situation except with Cooke instead of Richards, Cooke would have been suspended and Richards was not?

Why is it that the Flyers organization was not under scrutiny after employing three, not one or two but three players who had no regard for the safety of the players they were playing against? But the Penguins organization is under fire for having Matt Cooke on their team. Is it because their owner is not Mario Lemieux and is not advocating for a change in how the league polices headshots and suspensions? Is it because they think that Matt Cooke is that much of a danger to those around him? These are honest questions that if we had the answer to, we would be Gary Bettman (or God).

(BTW, this is the team that in one month had three players already suspended for illegal and dirty hits. "Steve Downie was suspended 20 games after a hit to Ottawa forward Dean McAmmond's head in an exhibition game. Then on Oct. 10 in Vancouver, Jesse Boulerice cross-checked Ryan Kesler in the mouth, resulting in a 25-game suspension.")
Article.


And for some reason, it seems to us as though Mr. Cherry is blaming the Pittsburgh Penguins organization for the actions of one of its members. This is the gist of what he said in the previous clip: "Mario Lemieux, one of the biggest phonies I've ever seen, he comes up and what does he do? He says, 'We have to get rid of head shots,'" Cherry said. "And the [CEO/president], Dave Morehouse, 'We have to get rid of head shots.' And then [general manager] Ray Shero, who I really like, says the same thing. ... And what happens? They got the head-shot guy of all time, paying his paycheck. What a bunch of hypocrites." Sounds like blame to us.

We don't blame the Penguins organization for Matt Cooke's actions. We blame Matt Cooke for his actions. Does Don Cherry really think that Ray Shero and Dan Bylsma look at Cooke and say, "Oh, you're fine, don't change anything about the way that you play. That was't a headshot, his head was down anyway."

We guarantee that they do not. Ray had some strong words for his own player, The suspension is warranted because that's exactly the kind of hit we're trying to get out of the game. Head shots have no place in hockey. We've told Matt in no uncertain terms that this kind of action on the ice is unacceptable and cannot happen. Head shots must be dealt with severely, and the Pittsburgh Penguins support the NHL in sending this very strong message.

They know the type of person that Cooke is and they know how he plays, they're not oblivious. You can tell a child forty-five times not to touch the cookie jar and they will touch it everytime. It's when the punishments get severe is when the kid listens. (Yes, we just compared Cooke to a child, it wasn't that far of a stretch on most days.)

It is not the Penguins fault that Matt Cooke does not understand that dirty plays will be punished. And severely. (We personally think he gets it this time.) If you say that they shouldn't employ him if they believe in this so strongly then go ahead, say it. We can't change your mind. But remember that Todd Bertuzzi is still employed. And so is Steve Downie. And Dan Carcillo. And Trevor Gillies (who still makes us cringe because he never learned his lesson).


If it takes a player to be a repeat offender and suspended for ten games and the first round of the playoffs to get this lesson then there needs to be a harsher punishment than just suspension. We cannot wait around for Carcillo and Downie and Gillies to add to their list of suspensions until 20 to 30 is all that's left. As fans, we cannot keep losing good players (like Booth, Savard and Crosby) to concussions.

And then there's the blight of Alex Ovechkin and his suspension(s) of last season. He was in the wrong both times and he was punished for it. But both were two gamers, nothing too serious. If the NHL wanted to 'teach him a lesson' then shouldn't the second suspension have been upped a little, like to say four games? Then maybe he would have gotten the memo (which we kinda think he did, it's either that or he just doesn't get caught now.) He paid the price for being dangerous and reckless with other players on the ice. Unlike in the playoffs the year before when he hit Sergei Gonchar knee-on-knee and injured the defenseman.

There was no subsequent punishment and he got away with one.

It's the inconsistencies and lack of explanation or set rules that the NHL disciplinary arm follows that frustrates fans the most. If the punishments were consistent and the crimes were punished then we would not be having this soapbox rant. Maybe Matt Cooke wouldn't have elbowed Ryan McDonagh in a tied game. Maybe Trevor Gillies wouldn't be suspended for ten more games in a row. This Scott Burnside article basically explains what we tried to here.

Back to Mr. Cooke.

Call us naive but we believe in the good of Matt Cooke. Do we believe the good outweighs the bad? We did, now, we're kind of up in the air about it. Matt Cooke as a hockey player is one of our favorites. He plays hard, he doesn't quit and he's a team guy. But when he does stuff like this, we understand why so many people do not like him. In Vancouver, Matt Cooke was a different player. In Washington, he was different. We like to think that under Dan Bylsma, Cooke was a different and better player because he understood the system and he grew up a little.

And we think that the Penguins think the same way (maybe up until this incident, though). They want to give Cooke a second chance because they know that he is a good person and a good player and is mostly beneficial to the team. There is a reason that Shero signed him to a contract and didn't let him go. We have faith in Ray that he wouldn't do something that he didn't think was right. But maybe after this incident the bad does outweigh the good and Cooke will not be in a Penguins uniform next season.

That we don't know. Yet.

We do not agree with any kind of injuries to players because we love the game too much. We may joke or threaten players from our living room but seeing a player lying motionless on the ice after a hit that was blindside, from behind, an elbow or a headshot is not what we want our NHL to be about.

Hockey is important to us as is the institution it is based on. Players like Matt Cooke, who defy what we think is right, make us question the NHL. There are players like Mike Richards who (we swear that if he wasn't a captain and didn't have a pretty good scoring touch would be a Cooke) play on the edge and are 'dirty' sometimes and they get a slap on the wrist. And there is Todd Bertuzzi who should not be employed by any team in the NHL. For all of eternity. It is those kinds of situations that make us question the disciplinary system in the NHL.

We like Matt Cooke as a Penguin but at the same time, it is frustrating. He does things that we do not agree with but he has his good moments. It's almost like an abusive relationship (although not to that extreme) and you have to know when it is time to just pack up and leave their sorry ass behind.


Thanks for reading our soapbox rant. Let us know what you think either in an email or a comment.

Awards Monday: Week Twenty-Three

Hottie Of The Week


Blake Geoffrion


His hat trick may not be as celebrated as PK Subban's but he scored twice in the final 3 minutes of the Predators' game against the Buffalo Sabres to tie it and then the Predators won in overtime so those goals were pretty important

-&-

Best Commercial Of The Night


Bridgestone Tires


Best part is the guy yelling the whole time he's chasing down the email receipients

-&-

The Ryan Malone Wheaties Award


Toronto Maple Leafs offense


Somehow they're still in the playoff hunt? And they flexed their fledgling offensive muscles against the Boston Bruins on Saturday which was a pretty impressive game.

You've Been Kesler'd!

So, this was sent to us by Fair and we couldn't be happier. It is a link to a TSN about Ryan Kesler: Interview Bomber.

And here is CanucksTV's take on Kesler's penchant for just showing up behind his teammates during their fifteen minutes of fame.


Then Shanny had to get in on the fun and find us a video of Adam 'Burrito' Burish sticking his fingers in Steve Ott's ear.


Mr. Ott, you've been Kesler'd!


Joey the Junior Reporter has something to say about this...

Silver Fox: Win A Date With An Oldster Holiday Edition #6

This holiday's edition of DWAO comes to us from MouthGuard and try not to get swept up in her world of bacon cheddar donuts and the Pat's sex appeal.

-&-

SILVER FOX: DATE WITH AN OLDSTER
"WHEN EYE-RISH UHEYS ARE SMILIN'..." - ST. PATRICK'S DAY EDITION


Do you like to drink? Do you like to get drunk? Do you sometimes worry that you might be an alcoholic? Do you publicly pick fights with total strangers, inebriated or sober? Are you wildly superstitious? Do you believe in ghosts? Do you have high blood pressure? Do people tend to tell you to stop shouting? Do you chain smoke? Are you from Canada? Or Boston?

Are you Irish? Well, it doesn't matter because on St. Patrick's Day, everybody's Irish, eh? Just some people are slightly more Irish than others. Such as:


NAME(S):

John Brian Patrick ("Pat") Quinn


Patrick ("Pat") Burns**



PREGAME CONFESSION/FULL DISCLOSURE

Okay people. I am neither going to mince words here, nor am I going to play games. This entire exercise is a shameless, poorly disguised excuse to celebrate big, fat, burly, hairy, loud, drunk, sunburned, cop 'stached, myocardially-infarcted Irish men with swollen waterheads, windswept monobrows, decaying teeth, chronic halitosis and short tempers. I admit it. Not gonna lie. Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


$100,000 Question: Would you want to engage either of these motherfuckers in a joust or a chess match? Of course not. Are you high? Here's Pat Q beating the crap out of my boyfriend Bobby Orr back in the olden olden olden days:


And here's what Pat B may or may not have done to Sidney Crosby at the Olympics last year:


Look at how terrified of Pat Q Team Canada looks at World Juniors a couple of years back. Cam Fowler just crapped his pants:


And here's Pat B staring down some random Leaf assclown during morning skate. Ouch:


Make no mistake: These Pats Take No Prisoners. There's gonna be a lot of drinking, fighting, yelling, crying, laughing, farting and making up on this date. Not making out. Making UP.

Oh yeah. And in case you hadn't noticed, yours truly is also just a wee bit tipsy.


CURRENT POSITION(S)

PAT QUINN

Officially: "Senior Hockey Advisor" with the Edmonton Oilers. Whatever that means. Jack Adams Award-winning coach. Hockey Canada go-to guy for World Juniors and the Olympics. Because he's got book smarts along with hockey smarts and he earned himself a J.D., we should technically call him Pat Quinn, Esq.


Unofficially: A Crotchety Old Man Who Used To Be A Brainy Thug. At Oilers HQ, he sucks on cough drops and yells on the phone with his stocking feet perched atop his desk. Crashes his laptop daily playing Gavin the Pro Golf Goblin ("Use the space bar to hit the golf ball, and to bash other golfers until they bleed.") instead of doing real "work."



PAT BURNS

Officially: Gone much too soon, but not forgotten. Seriously. RIP, Coach. The ongoing Pat Burns Arena project will service his hometown community of Stanstead, Quebec and will ensure that his legacy lives on.



Unofficially: A Scary MoFo With A Heart 'o Gold.



FORMER POSITION(S)

PAT QUINN

Officially: Played D for a bunch of teams, including the Leafs (doesn't he look like Norm MacDonald?)


and the Atlanta Flames


Considered to be one of the greatest coaches in the history of the sport. Hired and fired by the Flyers, Canucks, Leafs and Oilers. Coached Team Canada to Olympic gold in 2002.

Unofficially: A tough, crafty, no-nonsense motivator and negotiator. Brainy and brawny. In a track suit. Pat Q had a series of celebrated cat fights with Bobby Orr over the course of their careers, but he claims the hatchet was buried several times and that Bobby O was and is the best of the best. Here he is discussing his infamous "elbow or shoulder?" hit on Bobby:



PAT BURNS

Officially: Considered to be one of the greatest coaches in the history of the sport. Stanley Cup champion with the New Jersey Devils. Won the Jack Adams Award three times while coaching Montreal, Toronto and Boston. Burns was a copper in Gatineau prior to his hockey career.


Unofficially: Scared the shit out of his players, like a proper ex-cop. Yelled first and thought later. Picked a fight for every fight he broke up. Wearing a track suit.



WHY HE'S AMAZING

PAT QUINN

Pat Q established himself early on as a player and a coach who absolutely had to do things his way and would not be intimidated by corporate brass. He went the extra mile to pursue formal education during his career to better formulate and justify his strategies as a coach and GM. He found a way to break through to and win the respect of unpopular/no-name/lesser skilled players when they often barely respected themselves, and made guys want to turn things around badly enough to win. Pat Q is still called upon to weigh in on the hockey issues of the day that everybody is talking about because he can be counted on to give forthright, no-bull feedback. In his stocking feet.


PAT BURNS

Pat B was cut out of Pat Q's cloth, without the book smarts. We're talking street smarts + hockey smarts + a sweet mullet & cop 'stache. And a heartfelt "fuck you, what are you gonna do about it?" philosophy with the media and officials that offended some but ultimately inspired his players to give it their all during crunch time. In a track suit.



WHY HE'S (STILL) SEXY AS HELL

PAT QUINN

He can't be sexy because he NEVER was sexy. But his flared nostrils had a certain something when he got pissed...



PAT BURNS

Ditto - NEVER was sexy. Yet when passion got the better of him, oh me oh my...



WHAT YOU WOULD DO ON A DATE

It's St. Paddy's Day, and Pat Q tells you to meet him at the Horseshoe in Toronto for a special tribute to the one-and-only Pat B. The event will be an emotional celebration of Pat B's life in and out of hockey, and will serve as a fundraiser for the effort to construct an arena in his hometown.


You excitedly proceed to will-call, where a ticket in your name is waiting for you. Once inside, Pat Q greets you with lager, a smile, and a slap on the ass. And you're off and running:


Stout men in gorgeous kilts are marching around the room with drums, and everybody is laughing, crying and cheering at the same time:


Pat Q is overwhelmed and quite drunk. The two of you retreat to a quieter spot when he stops dead in his tracks and turns white as a sheet. Then you notice it too, clear as day: It's none other than Pat B, welcoming the two of you from the beyond to his event. Ghostdom looks great on him, but he's got some words of warning. "Pat, you gotta promise me that you'll live healthy before time runs out," he warns Pat Q. "Look at what four decades of cheeseburgers, beer and Player's lights did to me."


But Pat Q takes exception to Pat B's advice. "Why thank you very much, Mr. Burns, but I think I am quite capable of taking care of myself, eh?" He puts his arm around Pat B's (invisible) shoulder. "I love ya and I miss ya, but you gotta promise me that you'll stop being all bossy and telling me what to do!" Pat Q then jerks violently to the left and his head swings back, like he's just been punched in the face. You can't believe your eyeballs, but it seriously looks like the Pats are trying to choke each other or wring each others' necks, at the very least. Pat Q is heaving, huffing and puffing, his fingers clutching Pat B's (invisible) neck.


People are starting to stare. It's like Celebrity Ghost Stories in technicolor. "When your nephew scored on his own goalie in pee-wee, you ate his hamster to teach him a lesson!" Pat Q yells at Pat B.
)

"Mind your mouth, Quinn!" Pat B counters. "At least I never stole Timbits in plain view of security cameras! I shoulda had my bros book your fatass when I had the chance!" And they're off and running. This is going to be a very long night.


Inexplicably, the Pats are all of a sudden crying, (invisible) vomiting and hugging each other. They decide to wander a few blocks down Queen to a venue that has always intrigued them but until just now they've been too weenie to explore:


It's the Bovine Sex Club.


Pat B puts his (invisible) arm around your waist and says something about a band playing there "with a laser light show!" Pat Q is muttering something about "cage dancers" and in you all go.

A Hot Topic/faux goth band is onstage, performing a painful Sisters of Mercy-inspired cover of "Whiskey In The Jar". The Pats are incensed, and are checking/body slamming everybody in the bar. Pat B is bitchslapping people with his (invisible) palms and Pat Q is smashing a Les Paul to smithereens.

"Lizzy did the best cover of 'Whiskey'!" Pat Q yells. "Hands down, the best Irish rock band ever!"




Pat B prefers Kim Mitchell, and instructs the goth band to start playing "Lager & Ale" or he'll stomp on them with his (invisible) feet.




"For cryin' out loud you numbskulls, would ya just quit yer squabblin' let me the fuck outta here already?"

Tonight's featured cage dancer has had enough. It's Brian Burke.

)

He's dressed like this:



And he's "dancing" in one of these:


The Pats stop in their tracks. "Burkie! What the hell?!" The two of them unlock Burke's cage and he puts his arms around Pat Q's and Pat B's (invisible) shoulders. "Jesus H, I can't feel my legs! I can't walk!" Burke reveals. "It must be these vinyl hotpants. They've gone and cut off the circulation to my lower extremities!"



The Pats yell, "Those bastards!" and start beating people up with promotional Burke bobbleheads the Bovine is giving away because nobody will buy them. Chaos ensues.


An oxygen-deprived Burke collapses in your arms during the melee. "They hoodwinked me," he says. "They said there would be cage FIGHTING, not cage DANCING. The next thing I know, I'm dressed in hotpants and gyrating for tips." He passes out. You and the Pats carry him outside for some fresh air and revive the hardass Leafs' GM with some cheap Chinese take-out truck wontons:


Burke comes to, wondering if he's "died and gone to heaven 'cause I'm eatin' wontons with Pat Burns on Queen St... They're not like they make 'em at Ho's Restaurant but it'll do for now. Oh, and by the way you both got your Irish rockers all WRONG. As per usual. Lizzy were just a bunch of wasted hippies and Mitchell plays gigs like the Chatham Ribfest. If you want real Irish music you needn't look any further than Mr. Shane McGowan and the motherfucking Pogues, you meatheads. Now help me the fuck up."


The four of you proceed on a proper Burke-hosted pub-crawl into the night. Burke has peeled off his vinyl hotpants and he looks pretty damn good in his clover armor helmet. No helmets for the Pats, of course. May the luck of Irish be with ya.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!

** This piece was pieced together in good fun and in the rowdy spirit that is St. Patrick's Day. Absolutely no disrespect is intended toward Messrs Quinn and Burke, and (invisible) Mr. Burns in particular. Hockey deeply misses him and everybody wants to see his arena in finished, visible (as opposed to invisible) form as soon as possible.