This has to be the best DWAO: Holiday Edition ever. Seriously.
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SILVER FOX: DATE WITH AN OLDSTER
TREASURE TRAILIN' AT THE "EASTER" BUNNY RANCH
Do you believe in the Easter Bunny? Are you furry? Hairless? Do you like to eat copious amounts of candy and chocolate? Do you worship males who sometimes forget to brush their teeth? Or floss? Or wash their belly buttons? Do you identify with people who make uncouth jokes about carrots and hockey sticks? Do you clip coupons? If you answered yes to all these pressing questions, it's clear that you are a very curious, independent type who doesn't care what anybody thinks. You're also super religious but the only rituals you observe involve fur, candy and sticks. Like, for example:
NAME(S):
Mark Douglas ("Mess") Messier
Teemu ("Salami") Selanne
William Robert ("Bill") Guerin
PREGAME CONFESSION/DEDICATION
Okay people. I am neither going to mince words here, nor am I going to play games. This entire exercise is a shameless, poorly disguised excuse to celebrate naughty, barely-oldster badasses who aren't yet ready to retire (or who still haven't quite accepted retirement), having their unholy way with/defiling barely-legal, buck-toofed, wet-under-the-armpits rookies. I admit it. Not gonna lie.
I mean let's face it: If Mark Messier and Bill Guerin suited up tomorrow, we all know their playoff impact would be swift, immediate and decisive. And just look at what Teemu did for - and to - the Ducks over the past 10 days. Today's hockey might be faster and the shoulder pads might be puffier than 20 years ago, but these guys are not gonna take any of your shit - standing up, lying down or up against the boards. And don't even think about trying to tell them they can't tell dirty jokes anymore, either.
But first things first: This Easter egg is dedicated to hockey's most consummately badass barely-oldster broadcasting duo: Randy Hahn and Drew Remenda. During Game 5 of the Sharks-Kings playoff series, these two off-the-chain future hall of famers managed to work the world-famous Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Theatre into their nationwide play-by-play under the guise of "Torrey Mitchell vs. Willie Mitchell... The Mitchell Brothers!" Oh right, those Mitchell Brothers. Naugh-ty, naugh-ty! You can be sure that even if 99% of America didn't get the joke on Versus, the Bay Area got it good and was laughing for the rest of the game even though the Sharks failed to seal the deal. Huzzah and me hearts, gentlemen! I daresay you no-trumped your "I'm going commando..." exchange from a few years back.
CURRENT POSITION(S)
MARK MESSIER
Officially: "Special Assistant" to the Soon To Be Fired President & General Manager of the New York Rangers. Whatever that means.
Unofficially: Crazy-ass bald guy. Likes 'em young.
TEEMU SELANNE
Officially: Enigmatic Anaheim Ducks assistant captain.
Unofficially: Batshit Scandinavian Bitch Desperately Seeking A Filter. Dirty Old Man.
BILL GUERIN
Officially: Unemployed Badass Who Was Forced Into Retirement Way Too Soon.
Unofficially: President, Bruce Springsteen Blogapalooza. Likes 'em young.
FORMER POSITION(S)
MARK MESSIER
Officially: Stanley Cup Champion (x2). Flagrant Not-So-Secret to Gretzky's Legend. Yadda yadda yadda.
Unofficially: Awesomely, hall-of-fame naughty. Partied with Gary Coleman. "What you talkin' bout, Willis?":
TEEMU SELANNE
Officially: Stanley Cup Champion (x1). "The Finnish Flash." Yadda yadda yadda.
Unofficially: Awesomely, hall-of-fame naughty.
BILL GUERIN
Officially: Stanley Cup Champion (x2). Flagrant Not-So-Secret to Crosby's Banner Playoff Season (2009). Yadda yadda yadda.
Unofficially: Awesomely, hall-of-fame naughty. Knows a party when he meets one.
WHY HE'S AMAZING
MARK MESSIER
Put the Oilers on the map. Put Gretzky on the map. Resuscitated the Rangers to a Stanley Cup. A leader. A master. A bitch. A legend. Fearless. Inspirational.
TEEMU SELANNE
Dealt with relocation bullshit/franchises going bust early in his career (Winnipeg going to I forget where now). Didn't even blink. Broke a shitload of records. Scored more goals than anybody else. Skated faster than everybody else. Had better hair than his competitors. Was more Finnish.
BILL GUERIN
Classic Good-Guy-Finishes-First. Survived a bazillion trades. Forgot how many teams he played for, but played for them like they were his first girlfriend and won some Olympic/World Championship medals and Stanley Cups in the process. Made an assload of friends and compiled even more experience along the way. Can hardly wait to read your memoirs, Billy.
WHY HE'S (STILL) SEXY AS HELL
MARK MESSIER
He's bald. And he championed the initiative to safeguard players against concussions long before it became chic. His Messier Project continues to promote concussion prevention/injury education and seeks to make the hockey helmet more effective as a brain-injury deterrent:
He also allowed himself to be photographed with women who looked like this back in the day:
TEEMU SELANNE
Teemu shows hillbilly hacks like Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry How It's Done. He consistently has better/more hair and displays more effective leadership than them on a daily basis, despite the fact he's twice their age. Cuddles with fuzzies like so:
BILL GUERIN
Until he becomes an official coach, he's currently an unofficial hockey psychologist/mentor to the younguns, providing much-appreciated brevity and perspective when things get really bad.
Holy Sugar Daddy, Batman. Billy, where were you when I was little?
WHAT YOU WOULD DO ON A DATE
This is one of those "you're not allowed to play, just watch" dates. It's okay, though, 'cause this isn't the type of soiree/experience you'd want to tell your grandkids about 50 years from now.
It's Easter Sunday, and you're stuck in the backseat of a souped-up Ford Focus, sandwiched between Bill Guerin (on your right) and Teemu Selanne (to your left). Mark Messier is driving you all Miss Daisy. His tool box is occupying the driver's seat. Ostensibly, you are out on a "hunting" expedition. But you know something's up when you pass a sign that looks like this:
"Hey, there it is!" yells Teemu. His face is covered with melted chocolate.
The car pulls up to a dated, clinical-looking facility in the middle of nowhere.
"Okay everybody just sit tight. I'll do the talking with Bunny."
Mess rings the doorbell, and is greeted by a portly man wearing a Leafs goalie mask and a bathrobe. It's none other than Michel "Bunny" Larocque, the legendary goalie and now infamous proprietor/madam of the "Bunny Ranch."
Mess air kisses Bunny, and presents him with three "Bunny Bucks" coupons. One for him, Teemu and Billy G.
"Eh, Mess," Bunny begins, "you cannot combine de Bunny Bucks, hein? You gotta read de fine print, my fren. No combo speciales, but you can do a one-on-one easy peazy, mon ami."
Mess is clearly taken aback, but agrees to a one-on-one easy peazy. "Okay, Bunny. I just want to make sure I get my rookie hot cross buns like you promised."
"Ey you know we only have coupons for de Stanley Cup champions! Do you want a mask, Mess? It's a lot easier to do your business when you got a mask. That's why we're so popular with goalies! Goalie johns can hide their creepy but they cannot hide their shame!!!" Bunny and Mess chortle like the dirty old men they are.
Bunny escorts an unmasked Mess upstairs to Secret Chamber A, where he is greeted by current Oiler hotshot rookie Taylor Hall. Stark naked. Taylor is trying to do some sort of awkward backbend/gymnastic sexy move, but it's really not turning anybody on at all except for maybe 11-year old girls camped out on Tumblr.
"Oh, cool! It's YOU!" Mess grins. "So, what's the deal with your face, bro?"
"What do you mean?" asks Taylor. "There's no 'deal' with my face..."
"Euh, sorry guy. But there is." Mess is laughing. "You look like a beaver freakshow. Ever heard of a dentist? Here, lemme give you my gum guy's number..."
"Don't you want me to massage patchouli oil into your scalp? Bunny said you were into that. Mark Recchi likes it, too."
"Yeah but no but... I think I'll pass sweetheart," says Mess. "I have an idea, though. Why don't you come over here and sit in my lap while we eat some candy and I put a paper bag over your head, eh?"
Meanwhile, Teemu is led by Bunny to Secret Chamber B, where he happens upon San Jose Shark Calder nominee Logan Couture. The young forward is nude but for edible body paint.
Teemu cannot believe his eyeballs. "Hey, guy. I didn't really have you in mind but why don't we tie your teeth to Bob Hare-ey's Maserati out back and hit the gas? No offense but we gotta start from scratch with you. Your teeth are a mess."
"I know," Logan agrees. "Even my teammates give me shit about my mouth. Look at what Seto tweeted about me the other day!" He shows Teemu Seto's mean-spirited tweet:
"That liver-lipped bitch," sneers Teemu, looking all wack. "How can you play with somebody so malicious and corrosive? Practice with him? ROOM with him on the road? It's a good thing he's not on MY team, I'll tell you that much."
"Errey is hella nice to me, though," Logan qualifies. "He says my incisors remind him of Jagr's mullet. I think that's a compliment, right?"
"Sure, kid. You know you remind me of myself when I was little except I was spared enormous protruding rodentia teeth from outer space... Who painted you? Brent Sutter? He missed a spot!"
Bill Guerin is chatting up Bunny downstairs in the foyer, when Hurricane heartthrob Jeff Skinner hurriedly passes them on his way to the powder room. Billy is enchanted. "Who is that little minxlet, Bun? Wait a second, is that the guy named 'Skin' I've been hearing so much about? For reals? His name is 'Skin'?"
"Billy, his name is 'SkinNER' - not 'Skin' - but I can understand the distraction! He is by far my most requested bunny. Johns come from all over the hockey world to hop with him. He doesn't have the big teeth, but he's got the bunny tail instead, see? And the junderpants:
"Listen, Bun. I came a long way for some sweet conversation with Skin." Billy is serious. "I've got a pitcher of Long Island Iced Teas and an Easter basket full of Cadbury cream eggs to loosen him up. The least you can do is let me touch his necklace and watch him dance like I know he does. I'm a generous tipper!"
Bunny obliges Billy with some alone time with Jeff. The two of them retire to the powder room, where Billy watches Jeff in the mirror describing about how mean Gary Roberts is: "Gary says chocolate is Satanic!" Billy just nods his head, transfixed as Jeff stuffs his face with candy.
All of a sudden, the door is hacked open and in an instant, everybody - you, Mess, Teemu, Billy, Bunny, Taylor, Logan, Jeff and Mark Recchi (who has been eavesdropping behind the shower curtain all this time) - is cowering together in the tiny powder room trying to both restrain and run away from ---
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE??? EH?"
It is Doom Personified. It is Gary Roberts.
"WHAT THE HELL??? RECCHI? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER! AND STOP LOOKING AT JEFF LIKE THAT! STOP STARING AT HIS BUTT!" Recchi takes off his shower hat and gets out of the stall. Jeff grabs onto Gary's leg and wimpers.
He turns to Mess, Teemu and Billy G. "WELL, HELLO THERE PARDNERS! JUST STOPPIN' BY ON YOUR WAY NOWHERE NEAR THE OK CORRAL? Taylor! Logan! Go brush your teeth, boys!" Taylor and Logan grab their toothbrushes and run upstairs.
"Gary, it's not what you think," implores Bunny.
"QUIET WOMAN!" he responds. "Or man. Or goaltender from Quebec. Or whatever you are/were/call yourself. You deign to take me for a fool? I know exactly what is going on here and it's just plain wrong and filthy. That's what it is."
"Just look at all these candy wrappers!" he points at the discarded Cadbury's on the floor. "And why are you even allowing these boys to eat this garbage in the first place?"
"Do you know what happens to naked boys who are tied up in cages for weeks on end, eating nothing but chocolate and Long Island Iced Teas?" Gary asks everybody in the room, then answers his own question.
"They GET FAT, that's what happens! Look at Jeff. He's only been here for a week and already his BMI is through the roof. His muscle is turning to flab. It's disgusting."
Gary yells at Bunny again. "The least you could do is put stationery bikes in their cages! That's what I do! That way, at night when they're blindfolded, they have no choice but to exercise in the dark because there's no room for them to sleep. I make sure there is an unlimited supply of kimchi kombucha so they stay hydrated, as well. If they behave, I reward them with tofu peeps..."
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How about you? Did you behave on Easter? Do you deserve a tofu peep? HAPPY BUNNY TRAILS TO YOU!!!
