Hello, I am Pierre McGuire and welcome to the best day of my life.
This is the day that I get to be close to the players I watched grow up and become men that I can lust after...
I mean, watch play excellent hockey.
Players like Shea Weber. And Dion Phaneuf.
And okay, I need a minute here.
Players like Steven Stamkos, I just wanna run my hand through his hair and okay, I'm gonna need another minute.
I'm just gonna wade through this manly goodness and schmooze with anyone I can, even Roenick's boy toy Kane and his thinning hair.
OH MY GOD! IT CAN'T BE!
Is that Jordan Eberle and and and John Tavares, two of Canada's heroes sitting together.
BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!
[Pierre has to be forcibly dragged away from the locker rooms.]
First Period
It's the Slovak takeover.
Marian Gaborik and Marian Hossa pick up right were they left off in Vancouver, destroying the defenses of every team.
They look lovingly into each other's eyes and send passes that the angels weep at and Henrik Lundqvist curses every Swedish hockey god because he can't stop it.
It's a thing of beauty.
First Intermission
This man opened his fat mouth.
And then this bloated warthog put his two cents in.
Why is Mike Milbury still employed by NBC? No one cares what he has to say and he looked miserable the entire game.
Dude, take a Tums and shut up.
Let's get Mike Modano in here. Or Marty Turco. Or any retired player from the last century. Maybe they remember how the game is still played instead of the good old days when you could jump into a crowd and beat a fan with a shoe.
Second Period
Daniel Alfredsson got two goals and two standing ovations from the crowd.
We were more impressed with Jason Pominville's goal.
And Patrick Kane's sweet little move.
Carey Price stole the show with his commentary during the game.
Get him in the booth for games, forget the old dudes.
Scott Hartnell completed the Ginger Power Trifecta. We have to admit, it was a thing of beauty.
All that ginger hair and not a Brian Campbell in sight.
Second Intermission
Our spies in the locker rooms gave us this transcript of what happened when Drake was performing...
Seguin: Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening. I just can't.
Couture: This is like a dream come true. Drizzy is here.
Weber: Are you crying?
Seguin: I just have a lot of feelings, okay?
Kessel: You guys, I've seen him before. Wasn't that good.
Couture, Seguin, Weber: Shut up, Philip.
Letang: Guys, guys what's going on? Who is this dude? Does he play Metallica?
*Silence.*
Neal: *don't say anything stupid like Tanger but I have no idea who this is...pretend to enjoy it, pretend to enjoy it...smile, there we go*
Kane: Tazer is gonna be so jealous of this, lololol. I'm gonna text him right now.
Tavares: What's 'Degrassi'?
Howard: Who's 'Jimmy in a wheelchair'?
Weber: *judging so hard*
Seguin: 'tell her I apologize, happened over time'
Hartnell: Stop rapping with him kid, I'm trying to film this shit and you're ruining my YouTube quality video.
Price: He's prettier than me, isn't he? Damn it and I left my chains and Timberlands in Montreal. Knew I should have brought them.
Perry: This is what Chompers and PrettyBoy were crying over? I'm gonna go back inside. This ain't shit.
Third Period
Claude Giroux tried to knock down his teammate, Scott Hartnell so that he would have to give money to the charity 'Hartnell Down'.
Pierre McGuire thought it was funnier than it actually was.
Team Chara wins by three goals.
Moral of the story: Get all the Slovaks and Tim Thomas on your team.
You may lose the Skills but you're gonna win the game.
Post-Game
Marian Gaborik is named MVP.
Henrik Lundqvist is still trying to figure out how to stop him.
And the NHLers got to fangirl even more.
THE END.
We don't know what game you watched but this is what we saw...
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