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HOCKEY JUNKIES EXTREME MAKEOVER: 2012 ASG CANDIDATES "11th HOUR" EDITION
Just like that, the 2012 All-Star Game voting deadline is in our face. What kills me is nobody has come right out and asked why we should be expected to vote for players? What makes them worthy of playing in the All-Star Game? Most important, what have they done for me or you lately besides maybe score some goals, rack up an impressive GAA or rock the plus/minus? This is all BS, but of course. We all know the real reasons motivating fans' voting patterns. We know it has nothing to do with hockey. It has everything to do with hair, makeup and clothes because it's plastic and it's personal and it's ultimately jacked by the host city's authorities anyway. This whole process is about as transparent as a Chilean sheriff election or whoever got elected ombudsman in Chechnia.
And what's the deal with all the guys who have concussions on the ballot? They should be disqualified! If you have a concussion, you shouldn't be considered for the ASG. And stop telling us your head hurts but your hair still feels okay. We don't want to hear it! That means you, Kris Letang.
Still, you can't help but feel bad for some of these players who have been cluttering up the ballot and have only received resounding radio silence from fans. Maybe if some of these guys followed our candid, well-intentioned pointers on how to attract ASG voters, the crickets would go away and their totals would skyrocket with mere minutes to spare! Right? Here are some random candidates we noticed are sucking with the voters, with our respective 11th hour makeover suggestions. Remember players: It's a 2-way street! If you want votes, you gotta bring it! Tick tock!
Candidate: Ilya Kovalchuk
Team: New Jersey Devils
Number of Votes to Date: 43
Problem: He's overpaid, he has bad hair and his team's fugly except for Zach Parise. Also, he's not on the Senators.
11th Hour Solution: Buy us some Lambos and maybe we'll vote for ya, UpChuck.
Candidate: Corey Perry
Team: Anaheim Ducks
Number of Votes to Date: 12
Problem: He's overpaid, he has bad hair and his team's fugly except for George Parros, Jonas Hiller and Booby Ryan. They should play for the Senators.
11th Hour Solution: Katy Perry's on the market now, so he should totally date her now. She wouldn't have to change her name if they got married. He needs a hot girlfriend, even though he's gross and nobody likes him. He should also consider hanging out more with this blue guy, who's Got It Goin' On.
Candidate: Jaromir Jagr
Team: Philadelphia Flyers
Number of Votes to Date: 666
Problem: WTF who IS this guy? We don't know who he is. Somebody told us he's super old, he dyes his hair black and he's used to be an ombudsman back in Chechnia. Ew. We also heard about some goal "salute" controversy. Let's just say that for the record, we NEVER EVER have a problem with players giving us the full salute. But maybe we're not talking about the same thing?
11th Hour Solution: Okay just saw a picture of him and he looks awful in orange. So stop wearing orange. He also looks like Satan and owns a pitchfork. Hmmmm... Maybe try covering up his devil horns and hanging out with Kris Letang? He looks great in everything.
Candidates: Marian Hossa & Marian Gaborik
Teams: Chicago Blackhawks & New York Rangers
Number of Votes to Date: 665 and 667
Problem: We would like these guys a lot better if they played for the Senators and weren't named "Marian." What's up with that? It's so freaking confusing. Also, they're ugly and they have bad hair.
11th Hour Solution: Change your hair (Note to Hossa: We approve of this pigtail look in the holiday video), change your names and ask to be traded to the Senators.
Candidate: Patrick Marleau
Team: San Jose Sharks
Number of Votes to Date: 1,788
Problem: Another player we have never heard of. Amazing how these guys get put on the ballot. All we know about him is he has a bitchin' monobrow, he skates really fast and Dan Boyle says he's awesome.
11th Hour Solution: You know it's bad when Dan Boyle is telling people you're awesome. 'Cause that means you're not. Ask Doug Murray if he'll let you tag along for his next brow waxing.
Candidate: Nicklas Backstrom
Team: Washington CapiTOOLS
Number of Votes to Date: 69
Problem: You were super cute in 24/7 last year and then you dropped off the face of the planet, Nicky. Hasn't been scoring since he signed that big contract extension. Still gets lost in a crowd, mistaken for a woman... He would fit right in if he was traded to Ottawa.
11th Hour Solution: Bake us some lemon bars in that chef-calibre kitchen of yours, and stop allowing O-Felch to crash your parties/steal your dates. You're almost as pwetty as Erik Karlsson so you've still got a real shot at this...
Candidates: Eric Staal & Marc Staal
Teams: Carolina Hurricanes & New York Rangers
Number of Votes to Date: 0 votes each.
Problem: Sibling rivalry and ensuing brotherly guilt is cancelling out the votes for each of these guys. Marc has been sidelined by a concussion because of a nasty hit from Eric. This means that Marc hasn't been in the public eye and Eric - understandably not himself - has had the worst season of his career to date so nobody wants to see him. What a mess.
11th Hour Solution: Hug it out publicly, with Henry and Linda. 99% of your fanbase consists of horny teenaged girls. Seriously. Just do this.
Candidate: Ryan Suter
Team: Nashville Predators
Number of Votes to Date: 9,822
Problem: WTF who IS this guy? We don't know who he is. Don't all the Sutters play for Carolina?
11th Hour Solution: Consider posing naked in a tasteful, softcore porn pictorial, or ask an anonymous buddy to leak revealing photos of you to 25stanley.com and dlisted from your wild 'n wooly Wisco days. Evidently, men need reassurance that you are a goddamn stud out there, and women will swoon at the sight of a naked cheesehead with the kind of USA hockey pedigree most players can only dream of. It's a cheesy solution, but it's an effective solution. Oh, and ask to be traded to Ottawa.
Candidate: PK Subban
Team: Montreal Canadiens
Number of Votes to Date: 5,365
Problem: He's hyperactive, cocky and he has bad taste in clothes. Having initials for your name also suggests you're like a boy band guy or whatever and he's totally NOT boy band. It doesn't work.
11th Hour Solution: Change your name to PF Chang's, because we love Chinese mall cuisine and stop wearing those turtlenecks.
Candidate: Dustin Byfuglien
Team: Winnipeg Jets
Number of Votes to Date: 1 (Kaner voted for him)
Problem: Are you sure he's on the Jets? We're confused. We thought he was on the Wild. No wait. That's where he was arrested. ??? Does HE even know what team he's on today? He seems confused, unhappy, way out of shape and just not into this whole ASG thing.
11th Hour Solution: Do Weight Watchers with Charles Barkley and get put on waivers so the Hawks will pick you up again. You should also smile more, Buffy. Stop being so sad.
Candidate: Roberto Luongo
Team: Vancouver Canucks
Number of Votes to Date: However large or small the Luongo family is at the moment. That's how many votes he's got so far. Those are the only people who voted for him.
Problem: Try Googling the following words, or any creative combination thereof: "Vancouver", "Canucks", "Playoffs", "Luongo", "Jinx", "Disappointment", "Overhyped", "Puzzling", "Flawed", "Goaltending", "Issues", "Bugeyes" "Problems", etc. etc. etc.
11th Hour Solution: Put on bigger pads, use more hair gel and don't do any - repeat, ANY - pre- or post-game interviews. Oh, and do Weight Watchers with Charles Barkley.
Candidate: Ilya Bryzgalov
Team: Philadelphia Flyers
Number of Votes to Date: 12,901
Problem: He scares fans as much as he attracts them. And people are assuming that because he's been on 24/7 every week, he must be raking in the votes from all that HBO facetime. Au contraire!
11th Hour Solution: He needs to turn up the wacky even more. Schedule impromptu press conferences behind Lavvy & Holmgren's backs. Invite Flyers fans to Pat's AND Geno's for comp cheesesteaks. Jam out with Qwestlove on Jimmy Fallon.
Candidate: Henrik Lundqvist
Team: New York Rangers
Number of Votes to Date: He's THIS CLOSE to winning people! THIS CLOSE! C'MOOONNNNN!!!!!!!
Problem: Shut up. There IS no problem. This man is perfection personified.
11th Hour Solution: An Act of Awesome in the way of a power grid meltdown only affecting the greater Boston metropolitan area needs to occur between now and end-of-voting. Bruins fans must be prevented from voting for Tim Thomas any more. He has enough votes, already. They're just jealous of the King. Timmy's cool, but Henrik is King.
Alright players, get to work! If you want the votes, you gotta get busy and start making yourselves over before the clock runs out and voting halts! 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2....
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