Don't be Rad-iculous!

DON'T BE RAD-ICULOUS: INSIDE THE ACTORS' STUDIO WITH ALEX RADULOV

Don't Be RAD-iculous! Regardless of which team you call your own, which players are your pets and which color/play-by-play guys you prefer, if you are into hockey there is absolutely no way you have been able to escape the insufferable Elian Gonzalez-like Alex Radulov overkill that has dominated the hockey media/blogs these past few days.

It began with a simmer a few weeks ago - rumors that this Radulov guy actually existed somewhere other than in the distant memories of faithful Preds fans who still hoped for his return, or who harbored an understandable grudge against him for bailing on their team and his NHL contract in 2008 when he was only beginning to tap into his playing potential.

Every year the Radulov Return Rumors would resurface, and would then be quashed like the cruelest practical joke. "Maybe next year. Maybe not..." It seemed that the "will he/won't he" question kept popping up with almost as much frequency as "Will John Travolta come out?" or "What part of Zsa-Zsa will they amputate next?? RAD-iculous.

Then, it actually happened. IT came to pass. Don't be RAD-iculous! The Yeti showed himself, and now everybody's wondering if there are also random survivor-descendants of the Romanov royal entourage playing in the KHL. But I digress. The young guy they always called "RAD" is back in Smashville and he's splashed all over the hockey news whether you like it or not. Who IS this guy? Or, who does he THINK he is? Yes, I have been doing some undercover research. Here are some reasons why he's in your face, and why he might be worth loving, hating or laughing at for the remainder of the 2011-12 NHL season that we know for sure he has to fulfill. All I can say is, he'd better be worth all the fuss...





DON'T BE RAD-ICULOUS: INSIDE THE ACTORS' STUDIO WITH ALEX RADULOV

WHO ARE YOU?

Don't be RAD-iculous. I am Alexander Valerievich Radulov. I am Russian, and am oft-described as the "greatest player (who has) not (been) playing" in the En-Haitch Hell.


Also, Tom Sizemore's twin brother.



WHERE YOU AT?

Don't be RAD-iculous. I am in Smashville. Lookit:

On the "plaine" from Mother Russia.


Joyfully posing with an adoring fan at BNA Airport in Nashville.


Cavorting down the concourse with my entourage to Baggage Claim.


Me and my posse flashing our passports, entry VISAs and bear pet registrations to the TSA.


Collecting my pet bear from Cargo.


Mumbling about missing "Nurshweel and En-Haitch-Hell" during an interminably boring, scripted press conference yesterday.


Leading the Preds' team stretch at warm-ups during morning skate. (FYI - That's Patric Hornqvist with the swanky white glove, and Colin Wilson knew the cameras would be rolling for this monumental occasion so he donned his geo-print Speedos accordingly.)


So, I'm here. Nobody's sure how long I'll stick around beyond this season (note: the fulfillment of which was conditional upon his return), but I'm here for the time being. I swear I love America and I have missed it since the day I ditched it for a plaine back home.



WHERE YOU BEEN?

Don't be RAD-iculous. Salavat Yulaev Ufa.

The Kay-Haitch-Hell.



WHATCHA BEEN DOIN'?

Don't be RAD-iculous. Winning championships and trophies nobody's heard of or cares about that are named after Russian Cosmonauts, like the Gagarin Cup.


Challenging teammates to morzhi ("walrus") chess matches on roadtrips to Novosibersk.


Hot yoga with teammates on the way back from Dudinka.


Completing my lifeguard certification so I can save morzhi from drowning themselves at the beach during the Sochi Olympics.


Being frustrated and subsequently clubbing my team's goalie coach with my stick. By mistake. Accidentally. On purpose.


Being frustrated and tweeting about what a deek my coach is. Gossiping about my stupid coach and how lame the Kay-Haitch-Hell is with my comrades who are currently playing in the En-Haitch-Hell.

(Note: Not that I would ever do anything like this to my new favorite coach in All of Universe, Barry Trotz. Hi, Coach!)


Consuming gratuitous bottles of chimp-pain and Fireball wheesky with my teammates that I smuggled from Nurshweel.



Experimenting with radioactive hair products.


Partying with beetches.





WHATCHA DO BEFORE THAT?

Don't be RAD-iculous. I played for the Nurshweel Playdators and before that I played in MouthGuard's hometown of Quebec City for Patrick Roy, who MouthGuard thinks is a deek but I like him because he laughed at my outlandish, humiliating and perhaps dangerous "sword-dance" goal celebrations.



WHYDJA LEAVE?

Don't be RAD-iculous. My agent has commanded me not to answer this question.

All I am permitted to comment is that it had nothing to do with the time I busted a troika move on the Playdators' locker room logo.


WHY SHOULD KEN HOLLAND, STEVE YZERMAN AND BRIAN BURKE NOT BE TOTALLY "MAD AT RAD" AND COMPLETELY PISSED AT YOU RIGHT NOW?

(Note: Ken Holland has reason to be pissed at Rad because his Red Wings are in a dogfight with the Preds for their playoff spot in the Central Division. Brian Burke, on the other hand, helms the Eastern Conference Leafs and as such has no real justification to be pissed at Rad except that he loves to be pissed about something - anything - and is always looking for excuses to undo his tie, emote and explode in public. Finally, Steve Yzerman is GM for the Tampa Bay Lightning, and nobody has ever seen him get mad about anything ever. Hockey fans worldwide can hardly wait for Stevie Y to get mad because you just know he's extra sexy when he's mad. So maybe he should use Rad as practice mad for now, to see how it goes. As a newly-minted GM, Stevie Y needs more practice being mad.)

Don't be RAD-iculous. Or mad! My agent has commanded me not to answer this question, whatever this question means.




WHY RAD MIGHT JUST STICK AROUND THIS TIME

Don't be RAD-iculous. Did you know that Radulov's hometown, Nizhny Tagil, is a twin city to Chattanooga, Tennessee? 'Tis true! Maybe this is a sign from the stars that finally - just finally - they have aligned just right for destiny, Rad and the Predators to be happy, cuddly bedfellows.



So, people. Who do YOU think Rad thinks he is? Will he stay or will he go this time? Will he help his Playdator teammates win a Stanley Cup, or will he never learn his lesson and bust a troika move on their logo again? Will he allow his Russian lifeguard certification to expire? Will he ever play morzhi chess matches again?

So many questions...